All Too Well
by lifewillout-always
Summary: One-shot of Meredith and Derek based off of episodes in seasons 10 and 11 where Derek is moving back and forth between DC and Seattle. "I could live without you, but I don't want to".
**_DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THIS SONG. THIS IS NOT MY SONG NOR DO I CLAIM TO OWN IT._**

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 _I walked through the door with you  
The air was cold but something 'bout it felt like home somehow and I  
Left my scarf there at your sister's house  
And you still got it in your drawer even now_

Meredith and Derek had been fighting for months now. She had lost count; it had been ever since he received the offer to work in DC, turned it down, then took up the offer. She wasn't about to pick up her entire life, the family they had created that extended beyond them and their children and had built for years now, and take it to DC. She couldn't sign the papers for the gorgeous townhouse in DC, despite falling in love with it. They had a house that was perfectly fine. Standing on the top deck of the ferry boat on the way to the hospital, she reflected on their years here in Seattle together, letting the wind blow at her face and run through her hair. It was freezing but she didn't care, it felt nice and refreshing against the tension rushing through her body, the anger towards Derek she felt inside.

" _I could live without you,"_ she had said to him this morning. Why the fuck had she said that to him? She was stupid, but she was speaking her mind. And life simply went on around her, with Derek on the other side of the country.

 _Oh, your sweet disposition  
And my wide-eyed gaze  
We're singing in a car getting lost Upstate  
The autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place  
And I can picture it after all these days  
And I know it's long gone, and that magic´s not here no more  
And it might be okay, but I'm not fine at all_

Their life together had never been easy or perfect, but they had had their moments and had always loyally stuck by each other through thick and thin, through every mistake and tragedy that had crossed their path. There had been so many things that could've torn them apart, so many things that both of them had done, and yet somehow they always came out stronger on the other end, until now. It hurt to admit that she could live without him, but she knew she could.

" _He isn't the sun, you are,"_ Cristina had told her, before leaving for Zurich, and as Meredith paced around the house, picking up after her family, she suddenly knew it was true. She didn't have to languish after her husband and wait for something to happen in her life; she could go out there and make something happen for her. He could have his little brain mapping project and whatever person he enjoyed kissing there; she had the world at her fingertips.

 _Cause here we are again on that little town street  
You almost ran the red cause you were looking over at me  
Wind in my hair, I was there, I remember it all too well_

Sinking onto the couch with her hands in her hair, she closed her eyes and thought back to the days when everything was so simple. Back to the days when she was just a girl in a bar, and he was just a guy in a bar, to the days when she was his intern and they were running around the hospital, sneaking around in on call rooms. Then came dating, and elevator proposals, and a small smile snuck onto her lips. Post-it note weddings and promises of forever, meeting Zola and sneaking in a courthouse wedding. Everything had been so much more simple back then; when did things become so crazy and complicated? She wished with everything in her heart that they could rewind time and go back to those days, with the post-it hanging over their bed and playing princess tea party with Zola and her stuffed animals. Somewhere along the day, sometime after Bailey had been born, things had become twisted and complicated. Meredith wasn't sure if it was their fault or if it was just how life turned out to be for the two of them. She had never been the type to believe in true love or soul mates, but Derek had changed that. Now…she was having second thoughts, despite the happy memories running through her mind.

 _Photo album on the counter  
Your cheeks were turning red  
You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed  
And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the t-ball team  
You tell me about your past thinking your future was me_

She remembered the day everything changed for her. The day Derek said it to her face. "I want to marry you. I want to have babies with you. I want to grow old with you and die in your arms." She had freaked. Badly. She had needed months of therapy to figure out why she couldn't commit. But at the end of that endless tunnel of therapy, that endless back and forth of arguing with Dr. Wyatt…was a house of candles that she herself had built in the first grand romantic gesture she had done in her life, and suddenly she had a future with him. Suddenly there was Derek, and future babies, and a future house, and a future wedding, and growing old together. She pursed her lips as she sat on the couch, looking around the living room at all the photos of them together – hospital events, family photos with the kids, their wedding photos – and she shook her head.

 _And I know it's long gone, and there was nothing else I could do  
And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to_

To her, she felt like this – this thing – had been escalating for awhile. Ever since she and Cristina had started to fight, before her departure, when they were at odds over each other because of Derek being in DC half the time. Cristina knew it had been wearing on Meredith as she tried to have it all – surgeon, wife, mommy – trying to be everything Ellis wasn't. And try as she might, Meredith knew her marriage was falling apart. But the question was, could she save it? Did she want to save it?

 _Cause here we are again in the middle of the night  
We're dancing round the kitchen in the refrigerator light  
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well  
Yeah_

She closed her eyes and leaned back, taking in a deep breath. Everything she had known since coming to Seattle, everything she had worked for, hinged on her wanting to save her marriage. _"I could live without you"_ echoed in her head, her last words to Derek before he left for DC again, as she stood at the kitchen counter, watching him walk out the door with his mouth set in a hard line.

 _And maybe we got lost in translation  
Maybe I asked for too much  
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece  
´til you tore it all up  
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well_

Maybe they were doomed from the start. She was the queen of dark and twisty, after all. Did she even deserve a happy ending? It was only a matter of time before things turned sour; they always did. They were happy, then things went bad. Then they kissed and made up, only for things to take a turn for the worse. It was just how her life worked. Six years of marriage, that was a good run. Two chatty, happy kids that they loved. Although, she blamed him. She blamed him for accepting the brain mapping project in DC. To her, what self-respecting family man took a job 3000 miles away from home and expected himself to be able to be at home at all? It boggled her mind, even though she had admittedly told him to take it. After all, did she want to be the one he resented for the rest of her life? So really, this was all her fault if it boiled down to it. She seethed at herself, standing up from the couch and heading towards the bedroom. She needed to get away, get out of this house. Amelia was home in her bedroom, and she paused, heading upstairs to tell her sister that she was heading out for a bit.

 _Hey you called me up again just to break me like a promise  
So casually cruel in the name of being honest  
I'm a crumbled up piece of paper lying here  
Cause I remember it all all all too well_

It all had come full circle, the day she called Derek's phone and another woman had answered. As if being 3000 miles away wasn't enough, another fucking woman had to answer his goddamned phone. She rationalized that most women without trust issues wouldn't have an issue, but Meredith was a walking talking trust issue, and freaked out. It didn't help when Derek had told her the woman kissed him; it simply added to the problem. So many of her walls were up, and Meredith was at her breaking point as she climbed into her car after talking to Amelia, and driving in the direction of the hospital. She needed a drink, and Joe's would provide her with one. _  
_  
 _Time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it  
I´d like to be my old self again  
But I'm still trying to find it  
After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own  
Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone  
But you keep my old scarf from that very first week  
Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me  
You can't get rid of it, cause you remember it all too well Yeah_

As she drove, she thought about everything on her plate. As she always said, time heals all wounds. But how much time was needed in this case? Would she ever be able to forgive Derek for accepting the job, for cheating on her? For leaving her for so much time? For leaving the kids? Bailey was at the age where he was remembering things; she didn't want him to have an absent father. She just wanted it to go back to the days where Derek was here all the time and they were a family, and she was shiny and happy, but nothing was ever just that simple, she thought sadly, as she parked her car at Joe's and wandered in, taking a seat at a table with Alex, who ordered her two shots of tequila as she twirled her wedding ring around her finger.

 _Cause there we are again when I loved you so  
Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known  
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well_

The fact of the matter was, Meredith loved Derek. And Derek loved Meredith. It was as if they were two matching pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly together, and one could not have just one; both were needed. They were the perfect couple, despite everything, despite all obstacles. They were Mer and Der. They survived everything, despite the fact that they were crumbling. He was Meredith's one true love, the first guy she had ever fallen in love with, and she needed him like a heartbeat. She felt it in the burn of the tequila that slid down her throat, the way her eyes watered from the alcohol, from the text message she read of his telling her he loved her.

 _Wind in my hair, you were there, you remember it all  
Down the stairs, you were there, you remember it all  
It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well_

Meredith Grey could live without Derek Shepherd, but she didn't want to.

* * *

 **So I wanted to write a song fic to this song SO BADLY especially since it's a super sad break up song but I gave it a happy twist! I hope you guys love it! I repulished this story because I had someone who goes around reporting song fics, report it, so I simply republished it without song fic in the title. I found it ridiculous because there are millions of song fics on this website. I do not own this song nor have I ever claimed to. Just found the perfect song for a perfect oneshot :)**


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